I read an article the other day that said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.” Thank god I only drink every night
why do text posts these days sound like they are quotes from a 40 year old mother’s facebook
guys i got this new dildo but i’m not sure how it works?
christmas is so much worse as you get older it’s like “what do you want this year?” “a sense of purpose”
long-distance friendships are terrible because you can’t meet up with them whenever you want and hang out on any given day which is why when i’m president i’m relocating the entire human population into a 10,000,000 story skyscraper that also acts as a bridge from earth to the moon which comes with the added benefit of swinging the moon around like a fucking mace, god damn it’s gonna look so cool. what was i talking about
friend: i’m getting mcdonalds you want anything?
me: i don’t have money
friend: it’s all good, i’ll pay